Warning: minor rant ahead. Proceed with caution.
Years ago when I worked with troubled teens, I participated in a staff training that was all about how to respond to someone in a difficult situation. We did an exercise where one person presented the same problem to five other people who role played various reactions.
One response was to give the person a whole bunch of advice about what to do next.
Another told them why they shouldn’t have made the decision in the first place.
One kind of brushed it off, implying that “it’s not a big deal.”
Someone else told them how something like that had happened to them too, and made the conversation about them.
Finally, someone listened. For real.
When I experienced these various responses in quick succession it was a major “ah-ha” moment for me.
When someone is going through something tricky, LISTEN FIRST. It’s the most powerful and kind thing you can do.
The problem is, as a society we tend to value the problem solvers. The “get in there and fix it” folks. The “let’s get out of the pain and onto something else” mentality. We tend to think that if we’re not part of the solution, then we’re part of the problem, so we might as well give ‘em something we think is going to work NOW.
That’s all well and good in certain situations. For instance, if someone has a flat tire, yes let’s fix it. If the house is on fire, probably not a good time to talk. If someone needs directions, go ahead and take action so they can be on their way.
But, in hard moments when someone is struggling, giving someone a heap of advice isn’t always helpful…and I see it happening ALL the time, both in business and in life.
Online forums are chock full of people asking for help and people just pummeling them with advice without actually clarifying what it is they’re truly after.
Or when a friend shares something they’re struggling with, we can hardly wait for them to finish their sentence before jumping in with “well have you tried XYZ? My cousin’s friend’s brother said it worked wonders.” We’ve all been that person.
Y’all, if you’re on the receiving end of the advice monster, you know that It. Is. Exhausting. And not very effective.
Granted, I have been known to be the advice monster plenty in my life! Just ask my little sister. I’ve crammed more “good ideas” and “suggestions” down her throat than she ever asked for (sorry, Annie!). But I’ve noticed since acquiring some fancy coaching skills that if I just SHUT UP and listen to her, and really hear her, she knows exactly what to do. She simply needs someone to listen and ask some gentle clarifying questions, so she can make up her own dang mind about how to move forward.
Having been on the receiving end of advice from well-meaning friends surrounding some incredibly sensitive subjects, I know how frustrating this can be as well (don’t we all?). You tell them something so tender and the first thing out of their mouth is “you know what you oughta try…” or “you’d probably feel better if you …”
Or worse they say “have you thought of doing X?” Inevitably I want to scream “YES I’VE THOUGHT OF X. DO YOU THINK I’M A TOTAL IDIOT?”
Chances are we’re all guilty of this, but we can do better.
In business, there is absolutely a place for great advice, mentorship, and recommendations that will make all the difference in how you run your business. I value getting insights and tips from folks who have the know-how and experience, and some of those recommendations have been truly transformational. BUT, just slinging advice before you really understand the context or situation of a person (a.k.a. before you’ve actually listened), is rarely productive.
Bottom line: Listen first. Listen more. Listen carefully.
Ask thoughtful questions before you show off those fancy advice giving skills of yours. Get clarification before you pitch the perfect solution. Stop being the advice monster.
You’ll be a breath of fresh air for someone who will probably be incredibly grateful.
As my old high school teacher use to say “we’re given two ears and one mouth for a reason.” It makes a whole lot of sense.
Want a good listener? Not an advice monster? Let’s chat!